#903635
- Tue Jan 01 2008 03:53 PM
New Year's Evil!
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Doc Paragon
100+ posts
Registered: Fri Feb 27 2004
Posts: 107
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A champion has fallen. . .
Joe Mama is back on his feet, clearly in pain. Perhaps his wounds have stopped bleeding, but it's impossible to tell. Ghost Hog is struggling back into the ring. He is a gory mess. There's no doubt that both men will be rushed to the hospital after the match is over...whenever the match ends. Ghost Hog re-enters the ring and both men are wobbly on their feet as the stare at each other, neither one rushing to make the first move. They circle each other, limping, sizing each other up. Ghost Hog moves forward in an attempt to gain control of a collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Joe Mama sidesteps him and shoves him into the ropes. Ghost Hog bounces off and falls backwards into his waiting opponent. Joe Mama executes what is supposed to be a Bay State Sledge, but more closely resembles a man falling down onto his side. That Ghost Hog hits face first onto the mat is incidental. That Joe Mama rolls him onto his back is instinctual – there are no referees to count the pin fall. Neither man is moving. Both are barely breathing.
A decision has been made and a gauntlet thrown down. . .
Due to the extreme nature of the injuries suffered by both the RDCW World Champion Joe Mama and Ghost Hog in the main event of Halloween Handjobs, the board of directors, under the supervision of Rob Kamphausen, have decided to declare the RDCW World Championship title vacant.
Furthermore, the board of directors have declared that a tournament will take place to crown a new champion on January 1st, 2008 at RDCW New Year's Evil. Applicants may sign up to participate here in this thread (and only in this thread!).
Thank you and good day.
A title has been vacated. . .
and a challenge has been accepted. . .
King Snarf: It's time for King Snarf to make his glorious return by cherry picking the world title! Wooooo!
Captain Sammitch: let's do this!
King Snarf: And since Sammitch won't get involved in the match until Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest, the title goes to me by default! Woooooooo!
cut to the Cheesedome interior where the fans are screaming in anticipation as Mike Monroe and Madman MarcuM talk excitedly at ringside. "Ode to Joy" begins to play as Doc Paragon heads down to the ring, carrying the RDCW World Championship belt in his hands. Paragon climbs up the steps and enters the ring as James White welcomes him and shakes his hand. Paragon asks White to hold the mic as he speaks.
DP: Thank you and welcome to New Year's Evil!
Crowd pops bigtime.
DP: As you know, the announced tournament for the RDCW World Championship only received two applicants, King Snarf and Captain Sammitch. Therefore, as General Manager of the RDCW, I have decided that instead of a tournament, we will have one match! Snarf vs. Sammitch, with the winner becoming the NEW RDCW World Champion!
And that's not all! This match will have no time limit. There will be no countouts, no disqualifications, there WILL be a winner! Also, I have given senior RDCW official Lothar the night off and I have decided that I am going to officiate this title match myself!
So, Snarf, Sammitch, get ready! Because in just a few moments the two of you are going to war!
Let me tell you something, just because something is in a graphic format doesn't mean it needs to be apologized for. And just because a novel is serious, doesn't mean it's serious fiction. The only thing comics should worry about is telling a good story. You do that and people will find it.
-Brad Meltzer
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#903708
- Tue Jan 01 2008 07:02 PM
Re: New Year's Evil!
[Re: Doc Paragon]
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notwedge
notnotnotnotnotnotnotwedge
Registered: Tue Jan 28 2003
Posts: 2889
Loc: IN MY PANTS!
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Johnny Evil: ...but first
*Johnny Evil steps out onto the platform and the crowd goes crazy.*
DP: What are you...you have no business being here!
JE: See, that's where you're wrong. I'm here because of business. A certain business deal, to be exact. You see, the rumors of my retirement have been greatly exaggerated. I've been very busy lately. What, with all the publicity the Doomchoke created and now, I'm happy to announce that I have e new sponsor. I now have the full financial backing of Japan's second largest company. All they wanted from me was a little name charge. Now, don't worry. I'm not changing my name. The very idea of me changing my name is silly. Hey, let's get my teammates out here for the big finale.
*Hiro, BFE and Ariel join JE on the platform.*
DP: But your official statement...
JE: ...said that the Otaku are no more. We are not the Otaku. No, from this day forward we are Johnny Evil's Forces of Evil Presented by Super Smash Bros Brawl for the Nintendo Wii! I know, doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but a huge corporate sponsorship is a huge corporate sponsorship. But that's not all. Nintendo is willing to sponsor tonight's shindig as well on one condition. I get a shot at the title against whoever wins your little one match tournament. Whatta ya say, Doc? Do I get a shot at the winner or should I just take my huge pile of yen and go home?
Edited by notwedge (Tue Jan 01 2008 10:32 PM)
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#904474
- Thu Jan 03 2008 11:17 PM
Re: New Year's Evil!
[Re: K-nutreturns]
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Doc Paragon
100+ posts
Registered: Fri Feb 27 2004
Posts: 107
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back in the ring we see, Paragon amusedly watching as the West Side Rollers are shown still walking backstage. . .
Krazed: chairshots. . .lots of chairshots. . .
Big Pimp Tim: punkasses. . .top rope. . .
DP: Boys, boys, don't strain yourselves trying to remember how to get back out here to the ring. I'll just talk to you from right here. It seems that the two of like to do quite a bit of talking, but I haven't seen much action from either of you. In fact, I'd say that the pair of you have Kevin Nashed your way through the majority of your RDCW contracts.
So what I think we're going to do here tonight is provide you both with a little chance to show just how motivated you are and how much you want to participate in this promotion.
I think it's time we had our own little version of The Apprentice here in the RDCW, and we're going to do it right here in this very ring tonight, before our big title bout!
Krazed, Big Pimp Tim, tonight you will face each other in a "Loser is Fired" match! Krazed, you'll be allowed to use your steel chair. Tim, you'll be allowed to win by tossing Krazed over the top rope. The winner will get to keep their job in the RDCW and the loser will be FIRED!!!!!!!! 
Let me tell you something, just because something is in a graphic format doesn't mean it needs to be apologized for. And just because a novel is serious, doesn't mean it's serious fiction. The only thing comics should worry about is telling a good story. You do that and people will find it.
-Brad Meltzer
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#906773
- Tue Jan 08 2008 12:06 AM
Re: New Year's Evil!
[Re: Doc Paragon]
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King Snarf
Award-Winning Author
Registered: Mon Nov 03 2003
Posts: 12353
Loc: Philly Motherfuckin PA!
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King Snarf comes to the ring, with papers in one hand and a mic in the other!
Happy New Year's, chumps! I'm back and better than ever! Now, some might think I'm a joke. Those people are morons. Y'see, those people forgot who I am and what I do. I retire people, and guess what? I FUCKING enjoy that. TK-069? Gone! Kristogar Velo? Gone! Penwing? I'm taking credit for that too! See, when I was doing all that ridiculous stuff, that was my attempt to retire the whole of RDCW! Now, that might be a tad "high concept" for you morons. So, I'm going back to basics. Holds up papers I have here in my hands waivers which I expect the RDCW legal team to sign. Tonight's match between Sammitch and I is technically no disqualifications, but I want it made crystal clear. I want free reign to do whatever it takes to win, but I can't do that if I think that Sammitch or Paragon's gonna puss out and sue me after the match for the INSANE amounts of violence I intend to bring. I want these waivers signed immediately, stating that I will in no way be held responsible for any injuries Captain Sammitch may suffer in the match. If these are not signed, then I will forfeit the match this evening, resulting in the LAMEST World's Title Match ever! Thank you and I'll see you later tonight!
Knutreturns said: Spoken like the true Greatest RDCW Champ!
All hail King Snarf!
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#907185
- Tue Jan 08 2008 11:32 PM
Re: New Year's Evil!
[Re: King Snarf]
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Captain Sammitch
returning cheapion
Registered: Fri Sep 20 2002
Posts: 16339
Loc: BGSU
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Before Snarf can exit the ring, 'Kashmir' hits over the speakers and the crowd goes wild as Captain Sammitch makes his way to the ring, accompanied by Chewy Walrus, Killconey, Meeko, and Sweet Marlene. The two women are wearing black minidresses with white trim, and the three men are wearing blue jeans and black baseball jerseys with the letters O F C in white on the front...
Monroe: And he's back! Making his first public appearance since being unmasked before the wrestling world at Halloween Handjobs, it's Captain Sammitch!
Marcum: I thought he was the Jade Dragon! 
Monroe: The question is, which will King Snarf have to face tonight for the RDCW Heavyweight Championship?
Joined by his companions in the ring, Captain Sammitch accepts a microphone and turns to address King Snarf...
Captain Sammitch: I’d like to start out by...
Sammitch looks over at Snarf and can’t suppress a snicker...
CS: I’d like to... pffffffffft... 
Sammitch holds up a hand...
CS: Just a second, just a second...
King Snarf: 
CS: Snarf, buddy, could you do me a really big favor and not be within my field of view? I need to be able to keep a straight face here.
KS: 
CS: Sammitch can’t hold in a snort...
KS: 
CS: 
KS: 
Snarf sheepishly walks to a far corner of the ring and stands there dejectedly...
CS: Much better. I’d like to start out by welcoming everyone to New Year’s Evil. You can expect a couple solid matches tonight, and I’m sure you’re all looking forward to...
KS:  A-hem... I believe I have some documents here that require your attention...
CS: We’ll get to you in a moment. Before I forget, I would like to congratulate the new Women’s champion, Sweet Marlene, and the new tag champions, Chewy Walrus and Killconey!
Sammitch waits for the applause to subside...
CS: That’s right, give ‘em a hand. They’ve earned it. Now I’m sure you’re all wondering...
KS: Excuuuse me...
CS: You’re really irritating sometimes, you know. Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering why I left, where I’ve been, all that stuff. Not that big a deal. I didn’t come out here to talk about myself. I’m sure you’ll get it all in an interview before too long here. I came out here to discuss the title match you’ll be watching later on this evening, and...
KS: And my request of the RDCW legal team!
Snarf angrily waves the release papers at Sammitch...
KS: I expect these waivers signed immediately, releasing me from any injuries I may inflict upon you over the course of tonight’s match!
CS:
KS: 
CS:
KS: 
CS: All right, Snarf, let’s see these...
An exasperated King Snarf hands Captain Sammitch the waivers...
CS: Hmmmm... you know, good buddy, these waivers also release me from any legal accountability for any injuries you might sustain in tonight’s match. Are you sure you’re okay with that?
Snarf nods, grinning...
CS: Since your ominous threats were immediately followed by a statement that you would, essentially, punk out of the match like a little bitch if you didn’t get your way, I think it’s safe to assume that these have less to do with the ‘INSANE amounts of violence’ you plan to ‘bring’ than with some half-assed scheme of yours. Possibly one even scarier than that match you did with the Hawaiian shirts.
Laughs from the crowd...
CS: See, while I most definitely welcome your ‘INSANE amounts of violence’, I’m rather disappointed that you felt the need to burden the legal team with this. To help us all along in this process, I’ve taken the liberty of bringing my own legal consultant to the ring... Meeko.
Marcum:  What???
Monroe: 
Meeko examines the documents and shakes her head...
KS: What? What is it?
Meeko: These statements of indemnity are very loosely constructed. I’m afraid we simply can’t offer any endorsement of a waiver with so many potential loopholes.
KS: That’s it! I don’t have to take this!
Marcum: Yeah! He’s the greatest champion in the history of the RDCW!
Monroe:  Spare me...
CS: Y’know, Snarf, my wonderful legal counsel also informed me that the contract for tonight’s title match in no way prohibits me from inflicting ‘INSANE amounts of violence’ on you right now. 
KS: You wouldn’t!
Chewy and Killconey snicker...
CS: The kinder, gentler Captain Sammitch hasn’t been seen since Scammiversary. If you’d like to speak with him, I’ll shoot him a memo if he ever comes back. 
King Snarf backs up against the far ropes, looking nervously around the ring...
CS: But you know, I’d hate for you to be less than one hundred percent for the match. You’re gonna need every percentage point you’ve got to spare.
Snarf relaxes visibly...
CS: It really hurts me to see this, Snarf. Supposedly the greatest champion to ever wear an RDCW Heavyweight title belt, and you won’t face someone who’s still looking for his first one without some piece of paper giving you carte blanche to... to do what, exactly? I mean, if you don’t think you can win without doing something you’re not sure you can get away with in a no disqualification match, what were you thinking taking the management up on their invitation? To be honest, Snarf, as easy as it may be for me to laugh at you, I’m pretty disappointed with all the shit you’ve done to try and ‘make the RDCW lame’. Last time I fought you, you tried to leave the arena in a cab, and it took some excellent work on the part of our new tag team champions to forcibly return you to the ring. Sometimes I just don’t get you, Snarf.
Sammitch looks back at Meeko and hands Snarf back the papers...
CS: So here’s what you’re going to do. I’ll sign your waivers... just as soon as you rephrase them to specify that neither combatant slated to compete in the title match will be held responsible for any injuries directly incurred one upon the other, through any form of contact deemed by RDCW officials to be incidental to the conduct of a wrestling match, disqualifications or no.
KS: What?
Meeko: It means that you are legally responsible for anything that happens outside the constraints of the match itself. Anything before the match starts. Anything after the match ends. And, since Falls Count Anywhere was not named as a stipulation for tonight’s match, anything outside the ring.
Sweet Marlene: We know how much you love ‘making the RDCW lame’, Snarf. If you think you can dance around having to fight an actual wrestling match by looking for a loophole, you’re wasting your time. And if that’s not the case, if you were seriously hoping to intimidate us by threatening...
Chewy Walrus does an impeccable impression of Snarf’s tone...
Chewy Walrus: ‘INSANE levels of violence!’
The crowd laughs again...
SM: You’re still wasting your time.
CS: Thanks, guys. Now, Snarf, I know you’re probably thinking I’m out to ruin your fun, but honestly, all I want is a real live wrestling match. No Hawaiian shirts, no slumber parties, no ‘manly’ hugging. Just two guys in the ring kickin’ each other’s asses. I’ll sign your papers, and I’m sure the legal team will as well... just as soon as you make the requested alterations. I’m well aware this is strictly legal protection, and has no bearing on actions taken to influence the outcome of the match. And I’m not naïve enough to think you won’t still try and get away with something, but that’s okay. Just remember – there’s one of you and five of us. You’re not dealing with the Sudden Death Connection. And you’re not dealing with the babyface, law-abiding, crowd-pleasing Captain Sammitch. Not anymore.
Pops from the crowd...
CS: I believe we’ve wasted enough time talking. There’s my reply, take it or leave it. You can forfeit the match if you want, make it as lame as you want, but one way or the other, for the title or not, in the ring or not, you and I are gonna fight tonight. Don’t you still want it to count for something? It’s your choice...
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#907289
- Wed Jan 09 2008 01:13 AM
Re: New Year's Evil!
[Re: Captain Sammitch]
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King Snarf
Award-Winning Author
Registered: Mon Nov 03 2003
Posts: 12353
Loc: Philly Motherfuckin PA!
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KS: You want me to make alterations stating... Hold on a second... *King Snarf undoes the top button on his shirt, then fans himself with his free hand* Sorry about that. Seriously, Sammitch, you need to do something about this cheap heat addiction of yours. Anyway, the alterations sound FINE. Anything done within the confines of this ring is a more than acceptable condition. *King Snarf smiles wickedly* In fact, I couldn't have said it better my self.
And as far as your threats, the five of you against the one of me? Well, that would be a tad more credible if 4 of your 5 had posted in the past month. Hell, half of the tag team champs hasn't posted in like a year! And as for your... a-hem... legal counsel? Kayfabe aside, all the smart marks know I did the same thing to your relationship as I did to TK-069, and that's retire it! Wooooo!  ! See ya later tonight!
*Everclear's "When It All Goes Wrong Again" hits as Snarf leaves the ring....
Knutreturns said: Spoken like the true Greatest RDCW Champ!
All hail King Snarf!
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